Classified Madman!, the greatest goddamn f##king band of all time!

In the late eighties I signed a band to my record label.This band, the Vestrymen, were a jangly guitar pop band from Amherst Massachusetts. Now I have quite a few insane stories about this band including but not limited to How they came to give me autographed photo of the band members naked whilst tripping in the woods, How the drummer tried to kill me over a misrouted tape of loop of Ingrid Bergman and last but greatest the story of the greatest rock prank of all time the story of John-O! Tonight’s story has nothing to do with any of the sordid tales instead it concerns something that The Vestrymen discovered in a paper in Providence Rhode Island while on tour. Like any bored musician on the road they were scanning the musicians wanted section of the paper and ran across an ad.

The Vestrymen had a gargantuan appetite for drugs. Bless them they were stoned rock n roll stars. Imagine that! As a result, like all rural stoners they lived in a semi secluded ranch house in the Berkshires. (that’s part of Massachusetts that doesn’t appear on any maps of America. At least any maps of America that outline the places in America where Americans have jobs, work and suffer from common sense) This ranch house developed a legendary status as a crash pad, party house with the usual mix of midget luggage and imaginary teen runaways. Oh wait a minute. Sorry, I suddenly drifted into the story of John -O. Damn.

This ranch house, nick named the Ruby Ranch, was a standard rock crash pad party house. The refrigerator in the Ruby Ranch was covered by a mix of tour memorabilia and in the midst of this chaos was THE classified ad. What follows is a word for word transcription of the ad. I’ve included a scan of the ad at the end of the blog but it’s difficult to read, hence the transcription. Now as you read this keep in mind that the writer was PAYING BY THE WORD. A typical ad like this in the eighties might have cost $20.00 for the first twenty words and then .25 per word thereafter. Since the Ad has 888 words this puts the printing charge around $235! This man had a dream and he was going to back it up with his wallet. I recently wrote to one of the band members asking for him to dig up this gem of rock madness. It stands as definitive proof what ten thousand spins of “Houses of the Holy” will do to a young, impressionable mind……………..


Utopian Band

Do you sometimes stay up late at night and dream that you are a member of the greatest rock and roll band of all time? I do, and I want to make that dream come true. I am 21 years old and want to be the lead vocalist. I have no experience, but I am extremely ambitious and intelligent. Ninety percent of my music spectrum includes the following bands. Heavy on Led Zeppelin and the Doors, while I am also into the Beatles, Jimi Hendrix, the Moody Blues, U2, Sting, Pink Floyd, the Monkees and the Rolling Stones. To put this band together I need a lead guitarist, a bassist, a drummer a keyboardist and someone who can play the synthesizer. You must be able to unleash the raw power on your instrument that it would take to form a magical, mystical, eternal, everlasting sound that will rock an entire planet. How good can we be? Put it this way, there are 5 billion people in the world. Now imagine a kickass construction crew has just built a stadium that when full to capacity will hold 5 billion people. In every city and every town the word is being passed around the greatest band in the Universe is playing there. The stadium sells out and everybody has the time of their lives. I am into freedom, liberty, peace, nuclear and conventional disarmament, a central world economy, one world language (English) and for everybody in humanity through the power of music to be mutually happy and satisfied. I follow the teachings of Jesus Christ, Martin Luther King, Confucius, Mahatma Gandhi, Plato, Aristotle, Socretes, Goethe, Sartre, Camus, Rimbaud,Nietzsche,Buddha, Mohammed and many people in the bible. I am not a deeply religious person but I have read the Bible from Genesis to Revelations at least 15 times. Some of the group songwriting we should do should come from experiences in the Bible. I really want to get to know you people very well, therefore we should get together and find a house to rent with a large basement so we can jam there. I am very intense when it comes to practicing. I believe we should practice at least eight hours a day, seven days a week. I have a complex yet simple ideology on life. I believe people should move to a world democracy, collaborate, consolidate and over-all contribute 100 percent to humanity as one society without war or conflict. The U.S.A. and her allies have about 10,000 megatons of atomic weapons, and the Soviet Union and her allies have 10,000 megatons of atomic weapons. There are about 1,000 20 megaton nuclear bombs between the superpowers. The are also about 50,000 smaller nuclear warheads in the world. A 20 megaton bomb within a radius of 15 miles turns everything into molten lava; at 30 miles people are set on fire and burnt to a crisp, at a 100 miles people are permanently blinded. Nuclear strike zones in Rhode island are Newport, Quonset Point and Providence. This will never happen, but I don’t like living under the threat of total destruction.Through the powers of the United Nations and the recent signing of the INF treaty and the successful summits between the USA and Russia, relations are at an all time high. Disarmament and development are two of the most urgent challenges facing the world today. They constitute priority concerns of the international community in which all nations developed and developing, big and small, nuclear and non-nuclear have a common and equal stake. Disarmament and development are two pillars on which enduring international peace and security can be built. The arms race is absorbing far too great a proportion of the world’s human, financial and natural and technological resources placing a heavy burden on the economies of all countries and affecting the international flow of trade, finance and technology in addition to hindering the process of confidence building among nations. Thus, there is a commonality of interests in seeking security at lower levels and finding ways of reducing these expenditures. I smoke marijuana and hashish to explore the deepest realms of the human condition.I believe time has no beginning and no end, life and the joy of living are infinite. I am a vegetarian and take vitamins for good health. I meditate to find inner tranquility. I would like to rent out this house on the east side of Providence and eventually move to New York. The house must have a huge basement that we can jam in. I must stress the intensity that I am looking for in you people. The lead guitarist must have the sheer power of Jimi Hendrix. The Bassist like John Paul Johns. The drummer like Ringo Starr. The keyboardist like Ray Manzarek. And the synthesizer player must play like the almighty God. I don’t want to do any covers. I just want to write songs and be as totally original as possible. It is extremely important that each band member can powerfully sing in harmony on backup vocals. Together we can put together the greatest goddamn fucking band of all time! This ad has appeared in Providence, Boston, New York, Chicago, Detroit, Dallas, Cleveland, Philadelphia, Houston, Miami,Memphis, New Orleans, Tampa, Orlando, Los Angeles, Phoenix, San Diego, Buffalo, Rome London, Dublin, Paris, Moscow and Peking.

——————————————————————————————————

It’s interesting to note that he fails to give any clue as to how to contact him. A slight oversight on his part. I believe he is still waiting to for the kick ass construction crew. How can you fail to admire this guy’s ambition?

Copyright Brad Morrison/Billiken Media 2010

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4 thoughts on “Classified Madman!, the greatest goddamn f##king band of all time!

    • Dear Led Zepplin,
      Many things are not as they appear. Pie charts, infomercial scripts and compilations of facts will not make the world predictable, nor will it make your version of truth the world’s. Sometimes a good story is just a good story. Sometimes rock gods, like all gods, don’t exist except in stories………………………..
      regards
      Brad

  1. Chris,
    Led Zeppelin expert? Did someone else decide that or was it a self appointed approbation? By the way the drummer in question was not you it was the drummer that the band wanted to have…..
    regards
    The Author

  2. I’ve been a fan of the Figgs since Lo-Fi came out. I think they are a great band still. I just thought it was funny that I didn’t discover your blog until i was listening to the Vestrymen (again) and got to wondering what happened to them. I’m a fan of the one album I have from them, Ruby Ranch Meets the Plastic Hassle. You probably sent it to the radio station I worked for. It never got played, but they gave it to me and I’ve listened to it hundreds of times. Anyway, thanks a lot for your blog. I’m in a pretty awesome band here in Vegas and we are clueless as to how to move the project forward. Your blog has been a great help. Thanks!!

    obligatory plug….
    Three Step Charlie, old dopes on punk.
    Facebook – 3 step charlie
    Myspace – http://www.myspace.com/3stepcharlie

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